Monthly Archives: March 2009

Wolf in wolf’s clothing

It’s weird, I am sitting here waiting for my food in the oven. I sit here wanting to write, but in my head I keep telling myself that I have nothing to write about. I know this to be a lie because I have at least two things that I can write on. Mathematics tells me that two ideas is not the same as zero ideas. So, why is it that I am trying to convince myself that I have nothing to write on?

I actually already know why this is, I figured it out a while ago when trying to write down some of the ideas I said I had previously. I usually only write when I have something on my mind that is bothering me. In this case, I want to put this down here just as a reference.

Anyways, like I said, I was trying to convince myself I had nothing to write about. Why is that? As far as I can tell, the reasoning for this is that I posted this site on a few social networks recently. I did this not really expecting anyone to take any notice. As it turns out people actually read it. I even got some comments, one of them actually came from a person in real life. And on the whole they were rather positive. This was a bit shocking to me. Like I said in my first post on this site, this is my second attempt at trueform. The first attempt was similar to this, the only difference being that this time I wasn’t expecting an audience. So now, what I write about is more real whereas on the previous version I’d write down things for shock or entertainment value.

A day or two ago when trying to write an article I noticed, I slipped back into trying to be entertaining. There is nothing wrong with writing for entertainment, infact (the dictionary is telling me in-fact, I like my way better) I do that on one or two other sites. The thing is that this is not how I want to use this site. Essentially, when I have a problem, I find that when I write out my thought process, I usually come up with a good solution. So that’s how this site was reborn. Partly  also because this girl I used to work with wished she knew what it’s like inside my head. Between this and Space Panda, I think she is 80% there.

Anyways, I’m getting sidetracked. The problem being that people’s behaviours change when they know they are being watched. There were actually a few studies done on this. This is the only link I could find on it though. From what I gather, there is a related phenomenon in quantum mechanics called the observer effect. The explanation being that by watching something, you change it. So my fear is that if people read this, I might not be as open or as truthful as I need to be for it to be useful to me.

Having said that, I am going to try. I think I can be quite closed off anyway, so doing this might actually help me open up a bit. I don’t think I did too badly this time. I did this by knowing that I would change my behaviour, then tried to keep an eye out for the change and stop it if I noticed it. So, don’t feel that I am chasing you away. I really do benefit from doing this and if others can benefit or get something out of it, all the better.

I was just about to end off when I came to a realisation. My problem has nothing to do with people watching/reading me. I can say this with confidence because right from the start, I put this on the internet. What does that tell you? If you think about it, anyone could have stumbled here without me posting it on social networks. My problem is not the observer effect. My problem relates to the saying that says “People are often more open with a stranger than they are with friends or family”. As far as I am concerned this is much easier to deal with than the observer effect. I just have to be slightly bolder and say what I want to say. This is good practice anyways.

To be honest, I am a little disappointed with myself because in my heart I knew the observer effect did not explain the problem, but yet I tried to convince myself it did. Then again, I can’t be too disappointed because it was the process that got me to the true cause.

That’s it for tonight I think.

Against all human morality

Recently I go to thinking that I wanted to prove plants exhibit intelligence. One of the reasons I wanted to do this was out of spite for vegetarians. I haven’t really bothered to figure out what the militant human herbivorian argument is, but I imagine it to be along the lines of animals are able to feel, think, etc and we should not eat them. That is to say they display intelligence. This group then goes on to claim some imaginary moral high ground to the rest of the human carnivores and omnivores. I say “imaginary moral higher ground” because my believe is that using imaginary when referring to morals is a form of tautology.

I am starting to get off topic but I am not saying that there’s no such thing as morals. I believe that in this world that we live in, there is no right and wrong. Right and wrong is a concept that humans made up. And morals are a reflection of what is considered to be right and wrong in the society we currently live in. Using the death penalty as an example: some think it’s the right thing to do, others think it’s one of the worst things we could do. Who is correct? The fact that we as a species can’t agree proves that concept of morals are an iffy one.

The original title of this article was meant to be intelligence but the vegetarians have made me spiral off topic somewhat. Because of them, I now have to do that article another time.

Goal Orientated Thinking

It’s quite strange. Recently I have been finding a lot of things to be a chore. Things that should not be a chore have somehow become a chore. Reading for example. I have a book that I bought… two actually, Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion and a book called the myths of innovation. I bought both of those books because I want to read them. Now that I have them I feel I have to sit down with them and read them. It must be done, I see it as something that I just need to get through. Like something I just need to tick off a list. Same with video and movies that I have. I feel I need to get throught it. It must be done. The TED talks for an example. I’m subscribed up to the TED podcast. I find a lot of interesting talks on there. Almost all of talk I have watched are thought provoking. Knowledge-wise I am richer having watched it… but yet, I find it a chore to sit down and watch them. I feel the need to watch them. It as though my life is some kind of shopping list.

Gerard’s Life:

  • Go to School
  • Get a Degree
  • Get a Job
  • Get a Girlfriend
  • Start an online service
  • Become really successful
  • Profit

Then everyday is a checklist too:

  • Wake up
  • Shower
  • Brush your teeth
  • Pee in the shower
  • Use housemate’s shampoo
  • Get dressed
  • Buy coffee and a muffin
  • Buy lunch
  • Pick up news paper
  • Skim read news paper
  • Read Star Signs
  • Get off train
  • Have a cigarette
  • Take a taxi to the office

I just noticed that I have two problems as opposed to only the one I thought I had. The one I just noticed being bigger than the original one of seeing much of life as a set of tasks with a tick box next to it. The second problem being that nothing on my day to day checklist puts me any closer to my life goals.

I usually stop writing when I come to a realisation about my behaviour or realise how I can fix something. I have already reached a realisation. I always thought something will happen and TADAA… I am now successful! But looking that the discrepancy between the two lists, I realise now nothing will get done unless I actually work towards it. It’s a simple concept I know.  I have always known this concept to be true, but now I actually understand what it means. I think I assumed that you would automatically work towards your goals and things you wanted badly enough. Looking at the two lists, this does not necessarily hold true. Nothing on my daily list is getting me any closer to my life list.

If the last few posts are a trend, there seems to be a common theme among my realisations – I know a lot of stuff to be true and live my life by them but I don’t understand them fully. That is until I take the time to actually think about them.

So I want to stop here even though I have not addressed the problem of seeing life as a task list. Which I think is a bigger problem and one that requires a level of thought and understanding which I have no idea about. I will have to come back to it.

Improving yourself

The way I have always tried to live my life is to better myself at any chance. Better myself mentally and physically. I am not sure if I did it when I was little too but something I noticed when I got older was that I would try to find out my reasons for wanting to better myself.

When it comes to knowledge, it seems as I don’t really need a reason, it’s just because I want to know. I have no problems with that. When I was younger I trained physically because I enjoyed it, so that was my reason for doing it. Both of those reasons are excellent reasons to do something. These are self fulfilling – you do something because you enjoy it, and you enjoy it because you do it. (Not that that last sentence makes complete sense but I am sure you get the gist of what I mean.)

Now that I am older, I am finding problems doing some things. I find I make a lot of excuses for myself. I find myself not doing something because I don’t accept my reasons for wanting to do them. Take going to gym or getting fit for example: In my head my reasons for getting fit are good health, a good body and so that I can impress the girl next door. Immediately after this I think this is the shittest (the dictionary says shittiest – I like shittest) reason for doing anything. How could I do something like this? Put myself through all this hard work just to impress a women who may or may not care about me. It’s completely ludicrous, I am doing something so that I appear better in someone else’s eyes. Surely this is the wrong reason to do something? Surely you should do something so that you are better in your own eyes?

Judging from my behaviour over the years, one of my strongest beliefs is that one should live one’s own life. The reason for doing something should be because you want to do it. Not because it will make you appear better in someone else’s eyes. This is a good way to live I think. However, as I type this, I realise now that I have misinterpreted this maxim for quite some time. Even though there are numerous other benefits which would benefit me, I would focus on the fact that part of my reasoning for going to gym was to impress a skirt. I would then be disgusted at the thought and and use this as a reason not to go to gym.

I realise now, just because you shouldn’t do something in order to appear better in someone else’s eyes, doesn’t make a good reason not to do it. If we continue with the gym example, yes going to gym might make the girl notice my awesome body but there are other benefits. Seems simple enough, I know. Not sure how I could have missed that one.

This is enough for tonight. At some other time I want to explore friends and family as motivation.

Web 2.i crave attention

The trend I see with the successful web2.0 sites is that it all seems to be a way to allow for people to try and stick out of the crowd by doing the same thing. I may be being cynical but Facebook, on its surface, is a way to keep in touch with your friends. If you look at everyday usage though, it’s uploading pictures, updating statuses, poking, whatever. Users there are basically saying: “look at me, look at my status, isn’t it funny?  I crave your attention.”

Digg, the social networking bookmark site, is a way of alerting other users of interesting and/or funny news, pictures or movies. It does this quite well. Every now and again you find articles or comments about Digg users complaining that their self written articles or submitted articles do not do that well on Digg. It all seems to be about status for the users. It seems to be a way of saying: “Look at me. Look at what I have dugg. Recognise me for finding this cool link that I have in no way had anything to with but wish to take some credit for. I crave your attention.”

Twitter does not even pretend to be anything else other than a tool for attention whores. At its heart is says “Look at me, look at my fucking breakfast, here is a photo, please reply to my inane tweets about my overly mundane life so that you may provide the feedback that I so desperately need to know if my life actually means something. I crave your attention.”

I am not even going to bother with myspace. Everyone knows it’s for attention whores. If you don’t know this, you are either in a band or a natural born attention whore. The two are not mutually exclusive.

To twitter’s credit I did see some use in it the other day. Gmail went down I was not sure if they company I was working for had suddenly blocked it or if it was actually down. In my experience it would have been the first time a google service was not available. A quick search on twitter revealed that gmail was infact down and people all over the world were reporting this in. So for any major events in the developed world and the more advanced developing worlds it makes a good world pulse. And it if it wasn’t for attention whoredness of the site in question having a world pulse would not be possible.

I supposed that I am angry because the more I use these sites, it seems the more I seem to rely on others for validation of my actions. This angers me. Never in my life have I ever done this. Never in my life have I cared what others thought. I have always strived to be the best I can be in my own eyes. While doing that I was capable of selfless acts or creating things that others appreciated. Never the other way round. I always tried to operate unseen. Doing my thing (and doing it well) from the shadows without anyone noticing or even knowing who did it. Only to step out of the shadows to prevent others from taking recognition for work that is not their own.

That’s enough I think.


Ok. I am giving trueform a second try. I thought I would set this place up so I could have a place to put some of my thoughts that do not have anything to do with space panda. That and I suppose space panda is there to be a form of entertainment and I expect this place would probably be a bit more serious. I don’t expect anyone to read it. So I have now idea why I am writing as though there is an audience.

So… that’s it for the intro I guess.