Down time

I’ve haven’t been feeling good for a while. Earlier on in the year from about June to November things were tough. Things are better now by the way. So don’t worry about me too much. This is not a cry for help. Just some therapeutic writing.

I blame a lot of things for me not doing to well… or I want to blame a lot of things.

As an aside, as part of me doing better, I’m trying to use more positive internal language and blame is often a negative word. “Don’t point the blame” or “They’re playing the blame game”. So blame has (I believe) a negative connotation in some environments… sigh… let me get out of this tangent quickly. My thoughts want to dictionarise the word blame for this article, which is not the point of this. My intent is with the use of the word blame; I want to use the word in the factual sense without the attached emotion, if that’s possible. As in the cause of something…. I guess by definition blame is negative in a sense. Blame is only used if something is a problem. The word blame is never used earnestly when you’re accusing someone of doing you a good turn. “I blame you for me winning the lottery!”

Time to move on.

So… as I said, I want to attribute blame to a lot of things: Work, my diet, my sleeping pattern, lack of exercise and of course myself.

I am doing a lot of work on my the myself part… which is why things are starting to feel better. Drinking less, eating less, some exercise (my knees are fucked so I have to take it easy there) meditation (which I should be doing now instead of writing this) and maybe some other things I can’t think of right now. The last step is to now form those habits so that it’s not a Please-Jesus-I’ll-go-to-church-if-you-let-me-pass-this-test-I-didn’t-study-for!!! level of desperation when I use these techniques. My goal is to take care of myself on a daily basis. Marathon-not-a-sprint type mindset.

Meditation is amazing by the way. It really fucking works. It helps me with sleep. It helps me with will power. It helps me with mood. It helps me with clarity. It’s like giving a little bit of time back to yourself. It allows me to feel emotion. The unfortunate thing is that I feel anxiety 10x stronger but it also allows for me to feel happiness. I’d much rather feel anxiety than nothing at all. Meditation also allowed me to win more of the internal motivational battles I have with myself. So that means more exercise and better diet… most… a lot of the… some of the time. And you know what? Some of the time is ok. It’s better than the none of the time I was doing before.

Anyway. I was hoping to talk about work as I don’t quite have that bit figured out yet. But I really need to go meditate. I have not done it in 2 weeks now. And like and still want to get some reading in before bed. I am reading the Robert Jordan’s the Wheel of time. It’s great, I am hooked. I am on the 7th…?… book now?

Good night.

I really hope you’re well. I miss you all.